We are here to tell you everything you might need to know about the first 7.25 seasons of The X-Files before it’s inexplicable return. From Conquistador Tree-People to Clone Drone Hybrids this is truly the definite Critical Guide to Characters, Mythology, and Monsters whether you Want To Believe it or not.

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Where Mustache Man is canon.

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Listen to Special Episode – 0:52:06

Tags: 2016, 2Shy, Alien Bounty Hunter, Aliens, Amani, Bees, Big Coat, Brad Cupples, Cancer, Chester Bonaparte, Chris Carter, Claire Laffar, clone, Conquistador Tree-People, David Duchovny, Donnie Pfaster, Flukie the Flukeman, Frank Briggs, George, Gillian Anderson, introtox, introtox.com, Kersh, Melissa Scully, Monsters, Mustache Man, Mythology, Oblong, Revival, Spender, Tammy Ginader, Teena Mulder, Teliko, The Lone Gunmen, The X-Files 2016, Thumbs-Up Dog, Tooms, UFO, X-Files, xfiles

A second part of a two-parter that doesn’t completely fall apart? Evangeline joins us for 5×14 “The Red and the Black” There’s a vague ill-defined war going on between alien factions. Scully acts like a real Mulder-dummy and has regression hypnosis before having sense talked into her by Jeffrey Spender, American Hero and future half of the hottest new buddy cop show. Frank uses his Dragon powers to catch sin eater/urban legend dream catcher in Millennium 2×14 “The Pest House”

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Where Jeffrey Spender gets the respect he deserves.

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Listen to Episode 5×14 – 1:58:54

Tags: "I remind myself of a Navajo Story" --The most Chris Carter thing I've ever heard, "Look my Momz is just a dummy cripple. How's she supposed to roll her crippled up wheelchair all the way to Mt Crazy?", "Quiet Willy", Alex Krycek, Alex Shostak Jr, Alien Colonists, Allen Coulter, Black Oil, Brad Cupples, Brian Thompson, Bulletproof, Canada, Cassandra Spender, Catherine Black, Chapelle Jaffe, Check n' Spender, Chris Carter, Chris Owens, Cigarette Smoking Man, Claire Laffar, Dana Scully, Darcy Laurie, David Duchovny, Dmitri, Does Scully spend more time being kidnapped or in a hospital bed, Don S. Williams, Dr. Heitz Werber, Dr. Paton, Dr. Stoller, E. Jacob Woodcock, Edward, Evangeline, First Elder, Fox Mulder, Frank Black, George Murdock, Gillian Anderson, Glen Morgan, Go Fish, How many terrible novels were written in the smoking man cabin, Hypnosis, Hypnotic Orgasms, I gotta sell more paps, implants, introtox, introtox.com, James Wong, Jeffrey Spender, Jim Jansen, John Moore, John Neville, Justin Louis, Kermit the Frog had a much harder time breaking out of a Gulag than Mulder did after he was infected with Alien Black Oil Parasites, Lance Henriksen, Laurie Holden, Marita Cobrakai, Marita Covarrubias, Maybe send your childhood pals a bottle of Scotch or a cheese plate instead of naming boats and dead bodies after them, Megan Gallagher, Melinda McGraw, Melissa Scully, Michael Massee, Miehal Suchanek, Millennium, Mitch Pileggi, MulCek, Mulder is such a dick, Mulder jumped on the back of a truck whilst throwing Scully under a bus, Nicholas Lea, Peter Watts, Prosthetic Arm Mini-Fridge, Purdue, Regression Hypnotherapy is not a thing, Relax your jaw and your pelvis and let's go to the night place... What? RED ALERT! RED ALERT!, Resist or Serve, Russian freighter, Scully Loses, Second Elder, Sin Eater, Some Vampire sends Mulder a mysterious red envelope and he's not gonna be all over it? C'mon Tammy that is ridic, Stop laughing at your friend in the hospital you fucking weirdo, Tammy Ginader, Team Spender, Terry O'Quinn, The Big "S" Trio: Spender. Scully. Stingray., The Bounty Hunter, The Pretender, The Red and the Black, The resistance, The Syndicate, The truth is in you, The Well-Manicured Man, Third Elder, This is how all of Claire's Fan Fictions start, Veronica Cartwright, Walter Skinner, Well-Manicured Man, Whammy Awards, WHY IS HE ADJUSTING HER BED?!?!, Wiekamp Air Force Base, William B. Davis, Willy Ross, Winter Solstice Champions, X-Files, xfiles, Young Jeffrey Spender

Happy Holidayzzz! Moira and Josh join us for 5×06 Christmas Carol. It’s xmas time and this year we get a (practically) David Duchovny free episode! Though we do have to suffer through Ghost-Choker Melissa and Terrible-Human Bill Scully. Also that demon seed monster baby from Millennium is back and this time… it’s a Scully. Millennium 2×06 “The Curse of Frank Black” is an amazing creepy Halloween nightmare.

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Where you will never have to wake up to Bill Scully’s giant gross face.

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Listen to Episode 5×06 – 2:11:26

Tags: 14-year-old Frank, 5-year-old Frank, 6:37 Mustache Man, A Thousand Men and a Baby, A. J. Adamson, Adoption, Awkward Family Dinner, Bill Scully is a dick, Bill Scully Jr., Bletch, Breaker High, Brittany Tiplady, Can a professional kidnap victim adopt? Apparently Not., Choker, Christmas, Danny, Dean Winters, Demons, Detective Kresge, Devil-ed Eggs, Devils, Don't forget to vote on Nov 7th if you are in the U.S., Don't give children gross religious paraphernalia, Dr. Ernest Calderon, dummy kid Scully, Emily Sim, Everything playing in 1997, Everytime the camera pulls away Scully pulls out a bottle of Johnny Walker, FBI Courier, Flubber, Frank Black, Gerard Plunkett, Ghost Storyteller, Ghosts, Halloween, Hard Target, Hobo, Joey Shea, John Pyper-Ferguson, Jordan Black, Karri Turner, Kenny G, Kett Turton, Lachlan Murdoch, Lance Henriksen, Lauren Diewold, Less rape than the previous episode, LET HER GET SOME SLEEP, Let's get real... this show won't let Scully have a dog. They aren't going to let her have a kid, maggot rabbit, Margaret Scully, Marshall Sim, Melinda McGraw, Melissa Scully, Moira's Medical Minute, Moira's Murder Advice Minute, Mr Crocell, Mustache Man, Out with the Old in with the Shrew, Pat Skipper, Pathologist, Patricia Dahlquist, People love delivering bad news on Christmas, Pregnant Women are Smug, Rebecca Codling, Rob Freeman, Ryan de Boer, s, Scully Falls Asleep: THE EPISODE, Sexism, Shaun Topl, Sheila Larken, So many xmas shipping miracles, State Sponsored Murderers, Susan Chambliss, Tara Scully, Tara you are the worst, That is Bill's kid that he gave up because he's the worst, The Ask Jeeves of the FBI, The most gigantic syringe ever, The Rabbit Died -- the weirdest saying ever, There Should have been a choker in that goddamn box, This cop does not sleep EVER, This Medical Examiner could only have been more hillarious if played by Wilford Brimley, Walter Marsh, Whimsical Rape, Wilforf Brimley, Zoë Anderson

Paul Maki is here, along with some other interlopers, to help us uncover the secret of the ooze 8 levels underground as we discuss apocrypha. Scully and Stingray’s secret liaisons are further illuminated, Krycek vomits up his oily alien buddy, and we realize that this entire series is predicated on a series of bumbling lackeys.

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Where no one burries their dead alive.

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Listen to Episode 3×16 – 2:24:14

Tags: 1013, Agent Caleca, Agent Fuller, Agent Pendrell, Alex Krycek, Apocrypha, Barry W. Levy, Bebop, Black Oil, Brad Cupples, Brendan Beiser, Bruce Harwood, Burying your dead alive is not a good idea, Capt. Kyle Sanford, Chris Carter, Chris Hansen, Cigarette Smoking Man, Claire Laffar, Craig Warkentin, Dana Scully, David Duchovny, David Kaye, Dean Haglund, Deep Throat, Dmitry Chepovetsky, Don S. Williams, Donatello, Elders, Eric Breker, Fox Mulder, Frances Flanagan, Frank Spotnitz, Ghostlight Podcast, Giant Red Door, Gillian Anderson, Harrison Coe, Intro to Brisco, introtox, introtox.com, Jeff Chivers, John Fitzgerald Byers, John Neville, Kevin McNulty, Kim Manners, Krang, Lenno Britos, Leonardo, LokiCast with Tammy and Brad, Luis Cardinal, Major Domo, Martin Evans, Matt Humphrey, Maybe have your go to assassin not be the lamest, Mélanie Richard, Melissa Scully, Melvin Frohike, Michael Bublé, Michelangelo, Mitch Pileggi, Mythology, Navy Doctor, Nicholas Lea, Oilcek, P-51 mustang, Paul Maki, Peter Scoular, Piper Maru, radiation burns, Raphael, Richard 'Ringo' Langly, Richard Hersley, Robin Burdge, Rocksteady, Scully does machines (That's a fact Jack!), Shredder, Skinner is cool but crude (Gimme a break!), Skinner needs a shirt not a cane, Slycek, Splinter, Stanley Walsh, Stingray, Suleka Mathew, Tammy Ginader, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The lamest of the FBI, The Lone Child Predators, The Lone Gunmen, The Punk Frogs, The Well-Manicured Man, This does not make sense, Tom Braidwood, Tony Stark, Wacky lackeys, Wait... leaving the podcast for tacos is an option? WHY WAS I NOT TOLD THIS! #Outrage #IDemandTacoEscapes, Walter Skinner, When the Cigarette Man attacks these special agents cut him no slack, William B. Davis, X-Files, xfiles, Young Cigarette Smoking Man

Things are bonkers as Nazis, bumbling assassins, scurrying aliens, and everyone’s favorite sleepytime Navajo Albert get up in the mix for ‘Paper Clip’ Dave returns to try and make sense of it all as we stumble through a dark and smokey room. Will Claire be able to decide to vouchsafe for Team Skinner or Team Krycek?

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We will vouchsafe for you all.

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Listen to Episode 3×02 – 1:53:11

Tags: Acting Chops, Albert Hosteen, Alex Krycek, Alien bus stop, American Horrorcast, Any random yokel can kidnap Scully but proffesional assasins can't come anywhere near killing her, Baywatch Nights Warehouse, Bravehearts, British Columbia Museum of Mining, Bruce Harwood, Buffalo Powered Mulder, bumbling assassins, Change your clothes you repulse monster, Chris Carter, Cigarette Smoking Man, Cigarette Smoking Man has all the acting chops, Claire's colon update, Comic Sans, convenient flashligh drops, Creepiest Mother/Son conversation outside of American Horror Story, Dana Scully, DAT tape, David Duchovny, Dean Haglund, Don S. Williams, Don't fuck a buffalo, DVM Podcast Empire, Elder #1, Filing Cabinet-a-palooza, Flippy Floppy Hair-cek, Floyd 'Red Crow' Westerman, Fox IS Samantha, Fox Mulder, Frohike is the worst, Gillian Anderson, Glass ceiling, Going Rouge-cek, Goodbye Crystal Choker!, Greaser-cek, Hipocrite with a choker, If they actually have this kind of information against the gov't things are gonna start looking pretty damn good on the Rez, If you can't print or copy from A TAPE... you are doing technology wrong, It takes 3 bitches to take down an Assistant Director, Jeff Goldblum is Claire's BFF, John Fitzgerald Byers, John Neville, Manilow, Manimoo, Margaret Scully, Mel needs more secure filing cabinets, Melinda McGraw, Melissa Scully, Melvin Frohike, Mitch Pileggi, Mrs. Teena Mulder, Mulder is the fulfilment of Navajo Prophecy and that's not racist, Napier's Constant, Native Americans are not wizards, Nazis, Nicholas Lea, One Draft Carter says "eh good enough", Pull the plug, Queen of Spoilers, Real Genius, Rebecca Toolan, Richard 'Ringo' Langly, Rob Bowman, Scully would rather call an 85yr old Navajo Code Talker to stay with her dying sister than anyone in her family, Scully's lame-o daddy issues, scurrying aliens, Sheila Larken, Skinner vs Krycek, sleepytime Navajo Albert, Smoking Man lives in Skinner's closet, Sophie's choice for Claire, The Lone Gunmen, The Well-Manicured Man, The Wolverine, There's a new man in Skinner's Closet and he knows DAT tape, This is why they call it the X-Files, Tom Braidwood, Tony Stark, Victor Klemper, Vouchsafe, Walking Dead Podcast, Walter Gotell, Walter Skinner, West-Side-Story-cek, What does the Monday at work look like after your boss steals your child?, When you are a jet you're a jet all the way, White Buffalo, Why would you make alien human hybrids, Why would you need to be able to identify bodies after a doomsday apocylpse?, William B. Davis

Welcome to the third season, where things are just as ridiculous as ever. Dave joins us as we learn why your health insurance doesn’t cover trips to the rez for medical treatment. Scully is being molested left and right and it is not appropriate. We celebrate the rambling return of dream Deep Throat and Melissa (as well as her shitty crystal choker) gets what she deserves.

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Where you won’t be arbitrarily charged for insubordination.

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Listen to Episode 3×01 – 1:28:36

Tags: A hut is not a hospital, Albert Hosteen, Alex Krycek William B. Davis, Alf Humphreys, America, Baron Munchausen, Before 9/11 metal detectors were 98% imaginary, Brad Cupples, Brad is the Giles Corey of watching X-Files, Bravehearts fighting for the rights of all the dreamers, Chris Carter, Chris Carter's Empire Strikes Back, Cigarette Smoking Man, Claire Laffar, Creepy Ghost Alien Rescue Squad, Criss-Cross Applesauce, Crystal Sister, Dakota House, Dana Scully, David Duchovny, Deep Throat, DIE MELISSA DIE!, Don't trust the white dudes, Douchecopter, Dr. Pomerantz, Dream chattin', dvmpe.com, eh I'll try and flag you down from my car while I flee my death, Elaborate Faux Shakespeare Monologues, Eric Hosteen, Floyd 'Red Crow' Westerman, Fox Mulder, Freddy Kruger Mulder, FUCK THAT BITCH AND HER CRYSTAL CHOKER, ghost aliens, Ghost Mulder, Gillian Anderson, Grandpa Joe, gross cigarette dude from Fearful Symmetry, Hey dummies... you control all the secret info and can't work out a light switch?, holotropic breath work, If someone tells you not to shower for your health punch them in their goddamn filthy fucking face, Inappropriate funeral tactics, introtox, introtox.com, Jerry Hardin, Jerry Hardin has no clue what the block of nonsense means, John Neville, Jonny-Come-Lately Feedback, Laying someone in a salad is not medical treatment, leading questions from a fake doctor, Major Briggs, Margaret Scully, Melinda McGraw, Melissa needs to visit a fashion therapist to see what is wrong with her, Melissa Scully, Melvin Frohike, Michael David Simms, Mitch Pileggi, Molestation Files, Monsters, Mormon Conspiracies, Native American Style, Nicholas Lea, Ninja Mimes, One Two Mulder's monotone is ewww Three Four get ready to snore Five Six he's touching his sister's pics Seven Eight tape up an 'X' and wait, P.S. Your choker sucks too, Peter Donat, Professor X, Put your fucking shoes on Scully, R.W. Goodwin, Regression therapy is not a thing, Robin Burdge, Season Three, Senior Agent, Shawshank Abduction, Sheila Larken, Shit's tough in the FP, Singing and incense are not the same thing as an IV, Smokey lives in Skinner's closet, Stop molesting Scully, STOP! Your unprovoked touching and sexual harassment is not wanted or appreciated, Tammy Ginader, The Blessing Way, The Elders, The Mulder family was so poor they had to share their only acting chop each night... this taught them to get by on less for the rest of their lives, The Native American Four Days of Awful Plan is Frohike approved, The Well-Manicured Man, The worst photoshop ever, The Zzzzzzz Files, Tom Braidwood, Twin Peaks, Uncomfortable Admissions with Robin, Walter Skinner, What is she being charged being insubordination of?, what's your problem with buzzards? They're just trying to get by in a tough world, wikifeet.com, William Mulder, X-Files, xfiles, Yo Albert, Your Father should be ashamed you barefooted monster

Dan joins us as we discuss “One Breath” Scully is back… kind of… there’s a lot of bonkers boat antics, secret creepo angel kisses, and the lamest choker ever. Also we some serious hand work from Master Thespian David Duchovny.

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Where you will never be molested by creeper angels.

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Listen to Episode 2×08 – 1:41:59

Tags: 3pOwens, Acting with your hands, American Idol Magazine, Angel Kisses, astral projection, BAD TOUCH NURSE, Badass Skinner, Barbara Gordon, Becomming quite a playa, Best Dressed Worst Dressed, Best Garter Snake Actor, Bill and Ted, Bill Scully Jr., Blood Theif, Brad Cupples, Branch DNA, Bruce Harwood, Bubba Ho-Tep, Can't remember anything since Duane Berry... that's probably a good thing, Cancer Man, Captain William Scully, Charles Scully, chart smuggling, Choker of lameness, Cigarette Smoking Man, Cigarette wrapping machines, Claire Laffar, Creepo Angels, da'thinker, Dan Ginader, Dana Scully, David Duchovny, Dean Haglund, Doing nothing at all is more reasonable than playing Jackie Stallone with a crystal, Dom Della Reese, Don S. Davis, Dr. Daly, Earth 2, Every day is danger day in the Skinner Zone, Fashion Foils, Fox Mulder, Freddy Kruger, Frohike in a weirdo suit, Gillian Anderson, Going to Vietnam is NOT a good idea, Hallmark presents the X-Files, handwriting gaffs, Hannibal, Hasselfian tactics, Hayfever meds, I'll Watch That Movie w/ Tammy and Dan, introtox, introtox.com, Iron Man 3, Jay Brazeau, John Fitzgerald Byers, Lorena Gale, Margaret Scully, Meeting Duane Berry in the Twilight Zone, Melinda McGraw, Melissa Scully, Melvin Frohike, Mitch Pileggi, Mr X is clearly evil at this point, Mr. X, Mulder Blind, Mulder is stealing all of the FBI's stuff, Nicola Cavendish, No Smoking... BITCH, Nurse G. Owens, Nurse Owens, Nurse Wilkins, Oh no garter snakes!!!!, One Breast, One Breath, Overcoat Man, Pennywise the Clown, Pipe Smoking man just wants to be the ambassador to France, Porn Watch, Prime Time Emmy For Serious Hand Work, Psychic Scully Powers, Quantum Leap, Richard 'Ringo' Langly, RIP Charles Scully, Robin Burdge, Rufus, Ryan Michael, Scully's Brothers Hate Her, Secret Angel Kisses, Serial killer behavior, Sheila Larken, Should you really pull the plug on someone that has mysteriously arrived and cannot be diagnosed?, Snake Murdering, Somebody shoot that choker-wearing bitch!, Steven Williams, Super Skeptic Society, Tammy Ginader, The Thinker, Thieving with Gillian Anderson, TN Brad, Tom Braidwood, Umberto, umm maybe put a blanket on that coma patient, Vine, Walter Skinner, What is a spirit? What is a soul? Different ends of the crazy scale, Which Presidents have you watched die?, Why is it so dark in here?, William B. Davis, X-Files, xfiles